


Private Emotions

by zamngeal



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Angeal is mentioned, M/M, slight AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-29 14:13:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20437358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zamngeal/pseuds/zamngeal
Summary: The Loveless Avenue was a place he didn’t visit often but he actually liked it here at night. The neon signs, the many people on the streets that were just chatting away, dancing, flirting.





	Private Emotions

*~*~*~*~*~*

**_“And a silence falls between us _**  
**_As the shadows steal the light _**  
**_And wherever you may find it _**  
**_Wherever it may lead _**  
**_Let your private emotion come to me.”_**

Blood. White feathers stained red.

That was the only thing Zack remembered when he woke up. He wasn’t even sure if it had been a nightmare – Hojo had given him something to sleep and since then he had trouble remembering his dreams and why exactly he woke up. He knew he was still dreaming about what happened in Modeoheim.

Angeal had called himself a monster. Someone that created their own suffering. Someone that couldn’t live like this anymore.

At first Zack didn’t understand. Hell, even now he wasn’t sure if he did, if he knew exactly why Angeal thought of himself as a monster. What Zack understood though was the feeling of feeling like a monster and someone that created their own suffering. However, he wouldn’t take the easy way out and let himself be killed – he would still try to better himself. To save people. To be a hero.

_Unattainable dreams are the best kind._

Lazards mocking words were still haunting him after all these years. Maybe SOLDIERs weren’t meant to be hero but he could still try to be as close to one as he could be. He didn’t want to end up like Angeal.

He took a sip of the bottle of water that was standing on his nightstand. He didn’t cry about Angeal anymore. The first weeks he cried and cried until no more tears would be coming but by now… he felt strangely empty. Of course he missed his mentor but he was also angry. For not trying to work through his own suffering.

_For making me kill you._

Where was the honor in that? He had asked himself – and Sephiroth – exactly this, but neither of them had an answer. Sephiroth had looked like he wanted to say something, but in the end he just pressed his lips together and looked down.

For a while he had been angry at Sephiroth as well. For not going on the mission himself. For placing so much trust into Zack. For thinking he would be able to convince Genesis and Angeal to come back. And maybe – as surreal as it sounded – Zack was mad that Sephiroth wasn’t angry at him.

With a sigh Zack decided that sleeping just wasn’t in anymore for him tonight. So he got up, got dressed, grabbed his sword, PHS and wallet and headed out.

\--

The cool air of the night calmed him down a little. Luckily the bars in Sector 8 were open till the early morning, so he could get a drink and maybe something to eat before heading back. Maybe he could watch some bad sports game on a TV that was way too small. Talk to people that weren’t working for Shinra – if anyone even wanted to. Most people were too intimidated to talk to SOLDIERs.

The _Loveless Avenue_ was a place he didn’t visit often but he actually liked it here at night. The neon signs, the many people on the streets that were just chatting away, dancing, flirting. Sometimes Zack envied them – of course he had known that his teenage hood wouldn’t be normal if he worked for the military but…

He shook his head and tried to forget about it. That wasn’t the time to regret his life choices – he was probably just down because he was seriously lacking sleep and work had been nothing but a nightmare. His weird forced vacation was already bad enough but when he came back it turned out that Lazard had betrayed them and Sephiroth almost went insane trying to manage SOLDIER alone.

Zack decided on the closest bar and was happy with his pick. It smelled like smoke, perfume and alcohol but it wasn’t all that crowded. He plopped down on one of the barstools and ordered himself a drink.

“Is this seat already taken?”

The velvety voice was one he would recognize everywhere. Right in front of him was no one else but Genesis Rhapsodos. In Midgar. Quite near the Shinra building. How did he get here? But then it made sense. SOLDIER was a _mess_. The security was lacking. More and more monster attacks. It was probably a lot easier than it should be for Genesis to get into Midgar.

Genesis didn’t wait for his answer and just sat down next to him, a glass of red wine in his hand. He took a sip of it and looked him up and down.

“I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“Yeah, I wasn’t planning on meeting you either,” Zack said and rolled his eyes. “What are you doing here anyways?”

“I’m not trying to attack Shinra _this time_, if it’s that what you’re thinking. I’m just here to enjoy myself, believe it or not. The new theatre play of Loveless debuted today and you know how I am – I _can’t_ just miss that.”

So Genesis was here because of some damn theatre play? Was that really worth risking his life for? Probably. Genesis was degrading – he didn’t have much of a life anyways. Zack didn’t know if the other man was telling him the full truth or not but right now… he didn’t care.

“Aren’t you going to attack me?” Genesis smirked and Zack wanted nothing more than to punch the other man but he decided not to. A bar fight was the last thing he could need right now, even though attacking the former 1st Class was probably the right thing to do.

“I’m off duty right now.”

Genesis laughed and put a hand on his shoulder to give it a squeeze. They had never been even remotely close but this… felt like Zack was meeting an old friend. He didn’t even seem to mind the fact that a month ago they were trying to kill each other. Zack took a sip of his drink and grimaced. The whiskey was cheap and tasted like headaches.

“How about we make a deal? We’ll have a couple of drinks and talk and forget this ever happened. Tomorrow we are back to being enemies.”

Zack knew he should say no. Everything inside him was screaming that this was a bad idea, a trap maybe, he was risking his job, he was betraying Sephiroth, he was betraying Shinra. The problem was that he _didn’t care_. Yes, it was his duty to eliminate Genesis but did he want to? No. He was so sick of killing people. Of killing SOLDIERs – his colleagues and friends.

Also… Genesis and Sephiroth were friends of Angeal. He couldn’t just…

“Deal,” he mumbled.

They sat mostly in silence. Small talk here and there. Genesis’s annoyed comments about the bad quality of the TV show running in the background. Zack didn’t remember when he had last been so comfortable around someone.

\--

He wasn’t quite sure why they left the bar. His head was spinning and his mind was buzzing from the sweet side effects of the alcohol. For the first time in months he felt oddly free. Right now he was just Zack.

Not a SOLDIER 1st Class, not Commander Fair.

Just Zack.

Sometimes he caught himself wondering how his life would have turned out if he hadn’t join Shinra. He knew these thoughts were absolutely useless; there was no way to change the past and asking himself about “what if’s” was both painful and a waste of time.

“You’re thinking too much,” he heard Genesis say.

“Angeal used to say the opposite.” The words escaped him before he could even think about it. The alcohol probably loosened his tongue by quite a bit. He usually avoided talking about Angeal as much as possible and it wasn’t that he wanted to forget his mentor; the pain was just still too much. It had been two years by now and sometimes Zack wondered if it would ever get better.

“He used to say the same to me,” Genesis chuckled.

They came to a halt under one of the many street lights and Zack noticed that it was weirdly quiet for Midgar, especially the LOVELESS Avenue. Midgar was a city that never really slept, but right now it was rather quiet and the people that were celebrating a few hours ago seemed to be on their way home while the early birds were not quite awake yet.

“You know, you can’t keep avoiding the truth about Shinra. When you stopped being useful for them, they’ll try to get rid of you too.”

An unexpected topic and one Zack really didn’t want to think or hear about tonight but he wasn’t that surprised either. Talking to Genesis was as unpredictable as dealing with a flame; you could guess in which direction it’d go, but you could never be sure – too many factures out of one’s control were influencing it.

Zack clenched his fists.

“I’m not stupid, Genesis. I know that.”

“Then why are you still here? Come with me. Avenge Angeal. _Escape_.”

He felt his heart hammering in his chest. Honestly, why was he still working for Shinra? The danger was obvious. The experiments on SOLDIER members, the insane scientists, the way they treated those that outlived their usefulness.

But then he had to think about Sephiroth. Tseng. Cissnei. Cloud. Kunsel. His friends.

_Protect your SOLDIER honor, always._

Zack squeezed his eyes shut to take a deep breath. This wasn’t just about Shinra. This was about the people he cared for, he wanted to change things in SOLDIER, he wanted to be the hero and change that this hellhole of a company really needed. Was it realistic? Probably not he wasn’t one to give up and he’d always regret it if he didn’t try.

Genesis put both hands on his shoulders and sighed.

“I suppose you don’t want to talk about this but promise me that you’ll think about it.”

When Zack opened his eyes, the other man was standing so close to him, that he could feel his breath on his face. His breathing hitched and honestly, he should push Genesis away but –!

Genesis tasted like the cheap red wine he had been drinking these last hours. His lips were unexpectedly soft and the gloved fingers on his cheek felt oddly unfamiliar. The kiss only lasted a few seconds – he thought so at least, it was honestly hard to say with his mind racing like this – and he saw something glimmering in the Mako blue eyes of the other man.

“Goddess, my apologies,” Genesis said softly “I didn’t mean to overstep any boundaries.”

Zack was surprised by the sincerity of the others words. Genesis often sounded mocking, even if his voice was smooth as silk. This time… no, for the first time since he got to know him Zack saw the actual _person_ behind all these labels that were put onto Genesis – enemy, traitor, SOLDIER, Angeal’s best friend, whatever it was.

“It’s alright, I didn’t mind it.”

He didn’t know if that was a lie or not but the words left his mouth before he could even think about them. Did he like what just happened or was it just the loneliness that made him like it? His head was spinning – both from the alcohol and the kiss.

The hand that had been resting on his cheek finally left its place and… Zack felt strangely cold. He was aching for any kind of human contact and he only noticed now how bad it truly had been the entire time. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe Genesis; maybe he was just at a low point – maybe a little bit of all. Perhaps he should use this opportunity – even if it would get him in trouble, right now that was a risk he was willing to take.

“Look, Genesis-“

“I have a room in a motel just a few streets away from here.”

Genesis’s voice was oddly breathy and Zack couldn’t help but _hear _the need – for what though, he wasn’t sure. Maybe it was just for company because he was lonely too. In Zack’s mind that sounded like the most probable answer. Maybe though a part of him hoped that Genesis actually wanted _him_.

A gloved hand took Zack’s own and gently directed him in direction of the _LOVELESS_ motel.

\--

As soon as the door snapped shut Genesis’ lips were on his own again – this time not nearly as shy. He could feel the other man trembling; he felt the need for this – both his own and Genesis’s. Zack removed his gloves before he took Genesis’s face in both of his hands. It had been a while since he really touched someone. Between all the missions and SOLDIER falling apart, he didn’t have time or a person to do this with.

He wasn’t really sure when Genesis got rid of his own gloves and coat but all of the sudden his hands seemed to be everywhere. More and more clothes fell to the ground as they made their way to the bed. Zack grimaced as his back hit the uncomfortable mattress.

“How can you sleep here? It feels like this mattress is made out of stone,” Zack said breathlessly.

Genesis laughed and Zack noticed that this was the first time he ever heard the other man laugh. He decided he liked the sound.

“I didn’t know you were that picky, Zack, but I suppose that this is what being a SOLDIER 1st Class does to you.”

Usually Zack would be annoyed at hearing the stereotype of 1st Class SOLDIER being spoiled but for once he couldn’t deny there was some truth to it and secondly he knew Genesis was just teasing him. Something he got used to quicker than he expected.

Instead of a reply he kissed the man on top of him again, pushed against him.

While part of him wanted to switch them around so he could escape the uncomfortable mattress, another part felt odd being under the other. Although Genesis was older and most likely more experienced – let's be honest, he definitely was if rumors were to be believed – he still had this aura around him, something that told him that Genesis would appreciate being taken care of more, not having to be in control.

Easier than expected, he turned them around and almost immediately he noticed the other relaxing. So he was right with his suspicion. If that was what Genesis needed, he would give it to him. He couldn't stand the man but a momentary truce was a truce and this wasn't the place for selfishness. It was something he had learned over time – your partner comes first, no matter what.

Nodding to himself he looked down, admired the pale skin tattered by degradation and traced the muscles with his fingertips. Even with him degrading, he still looked as beautiful as ever. Not that he had thought about it often but whenever Genesis came to his mind, he always noticed how almost flawless he seemed to the eye.

“This tickles”, he heard the calm and amused voice below him and was brought back to the right now. Now that he looked up to his face, he couldn't help but feel watched. It wasn't the first time he took the lead with his partner and not the first time he did so while his partner was someone older. But this was the first time he felt watched like this.

“Do continue but there is no need to be so shy and careful. I won't break.”

The grin that followed his words seemed to hide something. Whether it was related to this situation or something else, he couldn't tell. He didn't know if he wanted to know either.

The kisses he placed upon his skin weren't as gentle anymore and the grip on Genesis' hips was perhaps a bit harder than necessary as well but none of them spared any thought on that. He was aware of the movement of the other's arms but was too focused with his task, scraping his teeth over the skin, flicking his tongue over his chest, eliciting small sighs and hums, than to see what he did, how he made him move. Only when he felt the hands of the other were he didn't expect them to be did Zack turn the focus back to him.

“Why are your hands on my butt?”

“You have a nice butt.”

“Yes, I know but why, why are your fingers near... I mean...”

He was aware that his butt looked nice, thank you very much. He wasn't doing squats for no reason, although this was more like a welcome side effect.

Instead of an answer though, he heard the other laugh once more, looking at him with something close to pity. It felt like he missed something and once he looked down on himself, he noticed what exactly he missed. He was straddling the other man. When exactly did that happen? How did it...? He was confused and seemed to look the part which made the other chuckle once more.

“Oh, I finally understand it now. This is truly marvelous.”

Now he was completely lost. He cocked his head to the side, tried to figure out what this all was supposed to mean but it only seemed to amuse Genesis more. He felt him pat his butt, caress it briefly before his hand was taken and pushed in the other's lap.

“I must admit, I appreciate the show but I feel like we should speed things up a little, don't you think? Giving the little puppy something better to play with.”

The puppy? Wait, was he the puppy?!

Considering he was stroking a cock now while Genesis looked almost proud at him for following the more or less order, he'd say yes. He was the puppy. Oh God. He could never look at puppies the same way again or hear the word without thinking about this.

“I'm not a puppy”, he pouted and he would cross his arms in front of his chest but he did not want to let go either.

“I know from a good source that you are one.”

“Angeal only called me that... one... time...”, the further the sentence went one, the quieter he got, his grip loosened and even the smirk on Genesis' face fell. Knowing who they were both talking about was one thing but saying the name out loud was another. It brought them back to reality of sorts and reality sucked.

The reality was that he was in bed with the enemy; naked and sitting on top of them even. That he ignored orders and didn't kill him on sight like he was supposed to. That for the first time in days, weeks probably, he felt less empty. That he had killed his mentor and friend, his role model. The reality was that he was as lonely as Genesis and missed him just as much.

A hand found its way to his neck, pulled him down so they looked each other in the eyes. He had seen the other being serious quite often recently but not like this. This wasn't the serious face of someone who would sacrifice whatever necessary to stop his degradation, this was the serious face of someone who felt the same way he did, probably thought even the same things.

“Don't”, he simply said and pressed his forehead against his, his thumb rubbing along his hipbone.

“Whatever it is you're thinking, don't. Once you fall back into these thoughts, you won't get out of them and they will eat you up, drive you insane.”

He was talking from experience, that much was obvious.

“You cannot change what happened but you can control what happens now”, and with that he leaned back, his face showing nothing of what was going on inside of him. Was he as confused and conflicted as he was? Most likely. But he also knew that he needed this, that they both did.

With a deep sigh and a quick shake of his head he tightened his grip again and he noticed how Genesis relaxed again, letting the breath he was holding go. Instead the previous smirk found its way back on his lips and he let his fingers slip between his ass.

“Now that this is out of the way, back to something more pleasurable, shall we?”

The way his behavior could change within seconds made him unpredictable and Zack groaned in annoyance. He already knew that once they stood in battle across each other again, he would be a piece of work to figure out.

He mumbled something inaudibly, a little curse, before stroking the other man again, coaxing quiet sounds from him. Though he couldn't fully ignore the finger that entered him which made him hiss and he tightened his grip even more in retaliation which didn't seem to bother Genesis in the slightest, quite the opposite. He drew out a moan from him, made him move his hips, rub against him which in turn made him moan as well.

Quiet sounds filled the rooms, more fingers began to widen him, prepare him. A hand found its way to Zack's cock as well, matching his rhythm. Kisses were swapped; lingering ones, filthy ones, deep ones, kisses that made his toes curl with intensity. If there was one thing Genesis knew how to do, it was kissing one senseless. They distracted him from the burn on the fingers inside him, from the still lingering guilt deep within and most of all, they turned him on even further. They were the reason he grew slightly impatient, why he moved back on the fingers which made the cock in his hand twitch and Genesis moan against his mouth.

No one else had made him so hungry for kisses before and he swore to himself, he would never tell the other about it. His ego was already big enough as it was.

He knew his lips were already bruised but he didn't care. All he cared about was that he wouldn't stop kissing him. And he didn't. He didn't stop when he pulled his fingers out and he didn't stop when he replaced them with his cock either. He didn't stop when he thrust the first couple times, testing the waters, though the kisses got sloppier with each thrust.

It didn't matter. It was good, really good. They filled him with warmth and emptied his mind, so that he could only smell and feel and taste Genesis.

\--

When Zack woke up, his first thought was that the night before had just been nothing but a weird dream. But then he sat up – slowly, because his head hurt and he felt a bit dizzy – and he looked around. The room he was in wasn’t exactly dirty but not what he would call clean either. The furniture was old, simple and well used and it was obvious he was still in Genesis’s motel room.

Great.

He grabbed his PHS to check the time – it was only about 7 am and Genesis was already gone. Zack wasn’t surprised, he knew what happened was nothing but a one night stand and a huge mistake as well; if anyone would ever find out, he’d be in trouble. He would lose his job immediately and by now he knew too well how Shinra dealt with _traitors_.

For a brief while he thought about showering here, but he decided against it. Today was his day off, but he still didn’t want to be missing for too long – he knew that the Turks kept an eye on him as well and while he was friends with both, Tseng and Cissnei, he knew that their number one loyalty was Shinra.

So he got dressed and tried to ignore the smell of smoke, alcohol and sweat radiating from his clothes. Disgusting, honestly, he couldn’t wait to get into a fresh uniform after a nice, hot shower. The buster sword leaned against a wall and only now Zack noticed the little note someone – most likely Genesis – had attached to it.

With a frown Zack unfolded the paper.

_“My friend, your desire_

_Is the bringer of life, the gift of the goddess_

_Even if the morrow is barren of promises_

_Nothing shall forestall my return“_

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to the amazing lookthatismydealer.tumblr.com for helping me out with the smut scene. Without her, the whole thing would probably still not be finished.


End file.
